I’m not good at explaining why I do things.
Sometimes I use extreme analogies. Sometimes words just keep running out of my mouth. Running like a thousand marathoners who don’t know where they’re going, but have to get there quickly. It’s exhausting. And the next day I decide that whatever reason I gave wasn’t true at all. I don’t know why. I’m not good at explaining.
So I usually don’t say anything at all. And then I act.
Last year I quit my girlfriend. Then I broke up with my job. Then I got rid of most of my stuff. And then I drove into Mexico.
I had a good reason. I’m sure of it. But I wasn’t able to explain it to anyone. I just decided I didn’t want to put up with the everyday bullshit any more.
Every day I couldn’t wake up. I needed just a few more minutes. Then a few more. My snooze button broke off. Twice.
Every day a steel and concrete and glass cage held me. Kept me separated from nature. Suffocating. Am I exaggerating? Probably. But that’s how I felt.
Every day my brain was used to add to a hulking system that helped another hulking system squeeze another dollar out of an even larger hulking system that was squeezing dollars out of you and me. Nobody created. We all just squeezed.
Every day my time went to someone else. And to someone else’s dream. And to fill someone else’s else’s bank account. And my heart was empty.
Then I looked forward… and every day in the future from 7am till 7pm I would either be getting ready for work, going to work, at work, or coming home from work. And then I’d email about work and call about work and think about work. Every day. For most of my life.
So I quit. I broke up. I got rid. I drove.
And after a few months I turned around and came back. But I didn’t go back. I went forward, by coming back. Or something like that.
Now I’m trying to make it on my own. But by “on my own,” I mean with the help of so many people. People that I didn’t allow to help me before. I’m talking to my friends. I’m talking to my therapist. I’m talking to my girlfriend. (I didn’t mention she took me back? She did. Storybook.)
They are helping me create something that helps other people. Or least doesn’t hurt them. I replaced the hulking systems with human persons.
Will it work? I don’t know. So far I’ve brought in $100 and spent $1000. I don’t think that’s how it’s supposed to work.
So I’m talking to you. I’m writing this post. Maybe I can make something work. Maybe I can make something that’s not a cage. Maybe not. But at least I tried.
I’m just trying to explain why I’m doing this thing.